A day in the life

Julian is growing every day in more ways than one. He looks more and more like Bryan every day, it's so cute. He's really starting to see and notice things and look interested. Yesterday we walked to the new playground where I told him he can play once he can hold his head up on his own and has some limb control. Actually he has amazing head control now and has since we brought him home. With some more "tummy time" to work up his neck muscles he'll be holding that big noggin up in no time.

As far as me, well I'm tired. So.Very.Tired. He won't sleep! Well, let me clarify, the only place he'll sleep right now is on my chest curled up in a little ball. This is day or night which makes it almost impossible to do much of anything during the day and leaves very little time to sleep at night. Well very little sleep for me at least, everyone else seems to do OK! I did put him in the sling for a bit during the day which allows me some free time but I would like another lesson from my friends in sling wearing to get it just right. I have another baby carrier my friend made me and she'll show me how to use that one which may work better because it'll allow him to be tummy to tummy with me just how he likes. Julian and I may meet her at her "baby wearing" group this Saturday and the new playground so I should get all the tips in baby wearing I need. And meet some like-minded moms too. Hopefully they are like-minded, Bryan warned me not to come back "weird." Some of these groups can be a bit militant but I think if my friend belongs than it should be OK.

We're going to try to meet Bryan for lunch today and show the babe off at his office. I took him up to my office the other day. Fortunately my boss wasn't there so I didn't have to get all squirmmy when she asks me what day I'm coming back.

Well here's your fix of Julian photos, hopefully get some better ones soon, especially in his cute little romper today. It's too hard to get photos when it's just him and I and I have to hold him...we need Bryan, AKA the Papa-razzi. Enjoy.

Just like in the womb.

So precious I can't stand it.

So cute you could eat it!

The happy family

Father and Son or what?!

I always stare at them when they nap to make sure the baby doesn't get smothered!

The most stylin' babe on the block

So when does all this obsessive worrying end? It doesn't does it? I'm going to lose my mind.

When do you stop sifting through their poop to make sure it's the proper seedy consistency?

When do you stop obsessing if they are getting enough breast milk despite them already gaining their birth weight back?

When do you stop thinking that every other car on the road is going to slam into you and you no longer want to drive on the shoulder with your hazards on going 5 mph? (don't worry we don't do this)

When do you stop worrying that the bumps in the road are too much and will cause some sort of damage to him?

When do you no longer want to rip the limbs of the lab person off when she does a heel prick and make your son cry?

When do you stop standing over him as he sleeps?

When do you stop hovering over anyone who holds him ready to grab him out of their hands at the first sign of his discomfort?

When do you stop changing his clothes a million times a day because you think he's too hot...no now he's too cold, hot, cold, hot, cold...

When do you stop calling the pediatrician a million times to make sure his cord is healing OK?

When do you stop getting mad at your husband because he isn't as high strung about all these things as you are?

With that said...

His first pediatrician appointment went very well. He's healthy, normal and average in everything (high average for height and weight, no surprise there). He was 8lb and 15oz and 21 inches when he was born and is now 9lbs 2oz and 21 3/4 inches.

We went through about 100 diapers at the one appointment because they kept taking a rectal temp and it would be instant explosion (his temp was a little high when we got there).

But man, this is all worth it.

First Day Home

First sponge bath. He loved getting his hair washed. Maybe it was our timing or it was as relaxing as it is for me when I go to the salon. All in all it wasn't too bad, Bryan did a lot of it, even remained calm when the yellow-seedy pooh squirted out and onto him as we were cleaning his little behind.

Rockin his cool gear

Julian's Birth Story (Novel)

Background
Just a brief history on my pregnancy with our son who was due on 7.13.05. It was pretty uneventful although several false alarms, mainly due to inexperience and an overactive imagination. At 35 weeks pregnant I was measuring the size of 44 weeks and was taken out of work and told to rest for fear of a premature delivery. An ultrasound ended up showing everything was normal and that a funny position at the time of measuring must have been the cause. The u/s did show he was a little large for his gestational age so I was prepared to be giving birth to a big boy.

Early Labor
There wasn’t much, if any, progress at all prior to my due date at my weekly appointments. I wasn’t dilating and the baby wasn’t moving lower in the birth canal. There was a concern that the reason may be he wouldn’t fit. Finally at my 39 week appointment the doctor concluded that my cervix wouldn’t dilate because of some scarring and that it would probably have to be manually opened. At that point the baby had dropped to station 0 so some slow progress was beginning. Because of his size the doctor didn’t want to go past my due date and an induction was ordered for the morning of Monday 7.11.05.

Finally Sunday evening came around and I was trying to get some sleep. At midnight, which is now 7.11, the day of the induction I felt what could be a contraction. It was pretty painful, beginning in my lower back and moving around to the front where it felt like a bad menstrual cramp, along with the tightening of my uterus. Since I wasn’t sure if it was a contraction or not, I didn’t think much of it. Almost exactly 3 minutes later I had another one…and another one…and another one. They were all 3 minutes apart although I was loosely timing them. I didn’t want to wake Bryan until I was certain that’s what they were and that they weren’t going to stop as soon as I woke him. I got up several times trying to walk out the discomfort and finally at 12:45 I told Bryan I thought I was having contractions. Prior to waking him I had gone to the bathroom several times. Because of how often I get up to go to the bathroom, I never turn on the light and honestly don’t always flush (gross I know.) But after I had told Bryan about my contractions I went once more. This time I heard a plop which instantly alerted me. I turned on the bathroom light and looked in the toilet where I saw a lot of blood. I knew the mucus plug or “bloody show” could happen up to a couple days before delivery but the amount seemed so much. Plus I had always read it described as spotting or even an actual mucousy glob type thing which I didn’t see and I felt it was more than spotting. I immediately called Bryan in and we stared at the toilet for a while and began to analyze it. Was this a lot? Is there a plug in the toilet? Did my water break? Is there something wrong? By this time the contractions seemed to have slowed down to about every 5 minutes. I called the doctor and was instructed to go to the hospital. I was reassured that the amount could be a lot which is still normal and although my contractions were slowing they would just keep me since I was scheduled to be induced in 5 hours anyway. At that point I was really looking forward to getting into the hospital. I knew that people could walk around for weeks contracting like that with bloody show so it really wasn’t urgent that I get to the hospital. For my sanity I wanted to get there ASAP.

By the time I got to the hospital my contractions had really slowed down and I was very lightly spotting. The nurse reassured me that even if you add a teaspoon of blood to water it looks like a lot so there probably wasn’t as much blood as I thought. We got set up in our room and hooked up to the external contraction and baby monitors. I was contracting about every 2 minutes but the real productive contractions were about 7 minutes a part. That isn’t really considered active labor and since that could go on for days I probably would have been sent home under normal circumstances. But the good news is that my body was making progress on it’s own and I even started to dilate a little with no manual intervention! We talked to them about holding off on the 6 am induction to see if it would happen naturally. Leave it to my little guy to wait until midnight of the day of induction to decide to start some action.

Active Labor
We both got some sleep since we had a couple hours until induction time. I started contracting a little more strongly but they still weren’t that close together. They were becoming rather painful. After realizing it could be a very long day we decided to go with the original plan and start the Pitocin. Since the contractions were getting pretty bad and I knew once the Pitocin kicked in they would only amplify I requested some Stadol pain medication before the Pitocin. I was warned it would feel like I had a couple drinks. As soon as it hit my IV the room started spinning and I felt drunk. Not a couple drinks...but drunk. The fun kind of drunk. I was having a ball, even playing air guitar which is so embarrassing to admit. We have it on film though! It did dull the contraction pain a little but I was still very aware I was having them. At 6:45am they started the induction and hooked up the Pitocin. The contractions started coming a little more frequently and a little more intense. The Stadol was becoming less effective. About 7:30 am my doctor checked me and I had only dilated to 2 cm and the baby was now in station -1. Because of the slow dilation he broke my water. Let me tell you, that is A LOT OF WATER. I was starting to ask if he did it yet and in the middle of asking it suddenly felt like a dam had been broken and we were going to get flooded out of the room. It was crazy.

Instantly my contractions became so intense, an intense I can’t describe. And very frequent. It was all in my back where I was then informed I was having back labor. I couldn’t talk through them, I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t do anything but cry out in pain. Bryan putting counter pressure on my lower back helped a lot but the pain was still so intense. They were getting worse by the minute and the counter pressure no longer helped, NOTHING HELPED. I began to snap at my mom and at Bryan which only then made me more upset. My doctor said with the back labor and the fact my cervix was scared the contractions would be worse than normal. Not to mention how they are more intense with inductions anyway. I was in tears with each contraction. I didn’t know how I would make it through. I think I was crying more for the fact that nothing would help the pain. I asked when I could get an epidural and my doctor said there is no reason to wait. I was still only 2 cm dilated and thought I’d have to wait longer. Thankfully I didn’t. I wish I could describe the intensity of the pain but there are no words to describe it.

The anesthesiologist came in and he started to ask me the same questions every other nurse, tech and person asked me. What is my date of birth, did I smoke, did I ever smoke. I finally snapped and said why I am being asked the same questions! I was contracting so frequently it was hard to respond to the anesthesiologist and he was very impatient. Bryan put him in his place, thank goodness. They were getting my prepped and I was once again in tears from the pain and nerves of getting the epidural. I had the best nurse in the whole world. If it wasn’t for her I never would have made it through the epidural or the day. I jumped out of my skin when they did the 2 shots to numb me. That scared me even more since jumping was the last thing I wanted to do while the epidural was being put in. Finally it was in and relief was on its way.

I can’t describe how amazing the epidural is. The only word I can think of is miracle. I still don’t want to be a big advocate for it because I think that many people could work through the pain naturally plus everyone handles pain differently, everyone has a different labor. I think there were a couple factors that maybe made mine more painful than in an ideal situation. All I knew is that I could not have done it without it. I am not exaggerating I do not think I could have gone on without it. Once I had it, I felt nothing. Nothing at all. I had to keep asking if I was still having contractions which I was, I couldn’t even tell. It was amazing and the relief I was waiting for.

Very shortly after receiving the epidural Bryan left for a breather and my mom stayed with me. Suddenly the nurse turned to me quickly and started moving around the baby monitor which watches his heart rate. She looked a little panicked and quickly put an Oxygen mask on me. She paged my doctor and started having me flip to my left, flip to my right, lay on my back, I was flipping so quickly like a pancake. She was shaking my belly and immediately the roomed filled up with hospital staff. I just remember my nurse saying “come on baby” and my heart could have stopped. It was then I realized that his heart rate sounded way too slow. I looked at the monitor at it said his heart rate was 70 which his is normally anywhere from 140 – 160. I was shocked but it was kind of a blur I was just doing whatever they told me to do. I yelled through my Oxygen mask to my mom to get Bryan. He was with me the whole time but the minute he leaves the room is when something seems to be terribly wrong. I don’t think I was ever so scared in my life. Scared for my son, not myself.

They finally got his heart rate up after what seemed like hours but in reality was only minutes at most. I was told that the combination of the epidural and 2 really strong contractions back to back may have been a little too much at once for the little guy. I was so relieved. But I did notice that his heart rate was still only about 120 which I thought was pretty low for him. I questioned it and was reassured it was OK and the staff didn’t seem alarmed. Once that excitement was done I felt nauseas and needed to throw up. I took off my Oxygen mask and out it came. To this day I am still not sure what made me sick if it was the epidural or the fact that I had been fasting since 10pm the night before and was only allowed to have ice chips. I was starving by 3 am and at this point it was about 9am so I could have gotten sick from the lack of food. I thought throwing up would have made me feel better but then I was getting sick regularly. The only time I felt OK was when I was able to sleep but as soon as I was woken up for a check or anything I would get sick. It was not pleasant.

My nurse secretly checked my cervix again because it seemed like forever since I was last checked. She wasn’t supposed to but knew that’s what I needed since I hadn’t changed from 2 cm. I was happy to hear that I was now 4-5 cm dilated. I was still starving, still getting sick and still resting in between everything. Every time someone came in the room and heard I was sick they would all say “Oh that’s a good sign” since many get sick as they get close to delivering. My nurse informed them not in my case since I had been getting sick since I was only 2cm. My doctor came to check me again and I was now 5-6 cm. Things were starting to move along and I noticed that the baby’s heart rate was now back up to near 160.

At about 4:30 pm the doctor came in for another check and I was so happy to hear I was now 8 cm dilated with only 2 more to go. But now a new problem. I was getting a low grade fever, the baby was still in station -1 and at this point he should be a lot lower and he was a little sideways. There was concern again he wouldn’t fit. He wanted to monitor my contractions internally to make sure they were strong enough and also have me change positions to encourage gravity to take over and help the baby drop and turn around. When I started labor he was in the OP position which is what was causing the back labor. He was now a little OT (I think this is what it was). Ideally he should be OA when being delivered, it’s where they come out facing the ground as opposed to the OP where they come out facing upward with the back of the baby’s head against the mother’s spine. Hence back labor. So this was an attempt to get him to the OA position. The doctor also explained to me with my low grade fever and the baby’s heart rate increasing (it was now about 180) that I could be getting a mild infection. They were concerned about the baby’s heart rate but because it was slowly increasing throughout the day it wasn’t anything urgent…yet but it needed to be closely watched.

I was also worried that my contractions weren’t strong enough since I couldn’t feel a thing since the epidural but they turned out to be very strong. Meanwhile I was getting more and more upset at the thought of having a cesarean delivery and more concerned about my baby’s well being. Our wonderful nurse helped me see that while a C-section delivery isn’t usually the preference, we came there with one goal in mind, to have a healthy baby. And we would do whatever it took to have just that. I did feel a little better. The doctor came in for one last check, the one that would determine a vaginal birth or C-section. The news was a little saddening. Not only did the baby not drop anymore, he was now back to the OP position and to make matters worse I was no longer 8 cm dilated, I was even less. The doctor had me give one good push just to confirm and he concluded I would not be able to get the baby out. Because of those factors plus my temperature and the baby’s heart rate an immediate C-section was ordered.

Delivery
I was very upset over the news and still I am not sure why. I was scared about the procedure, I thought about not being able to immediately hold my baby once he came out along with many other fears. I was in complete tears as they wheeled me in the operating room. The anesthesiologist came in but he was like a different person. He was so comforting and supportive. Everyone was great, I can’t say enough good things about my nurse. I was still getting sick and it was pretty upsetting since it’s extremely difficult to throw up while laying flat on your back so I had to put all modesty aside (like I had any left at this point) and just let the vomit run down the side of my face into the pan. They did clean me up and fortunately it was the last time I got sick.

Bryan finally got to come in the room decked out in his scrubs and we were both pretty nervous. Suddenly the sadness lifted and I was excited that we’d be meeting our son in 5 minutes instead of after what could be another 5 hours of pushing. I couldn’t wait for them to get started. My doctor was very concerned about the tattoo on my stomach so he made sure to go under it even though they would normally have gone right through it with that location. I didn’t care about it at that point I just wanted my baby. I was also pretty out of it from all the drugs I had, being sick, not eating and just a long rough day. I could hardly see straight.

Everything went pretty quickly, Bryan was right there holding my hand and I couldn’t even tell they were operating on me. Finally the doctor got to the baby and immediately said “oh yea you could never have gotten him out.” I was kind of happy to hear that a c-section was necessary and not question later if it really was or not. The doctor told Bryan to get his camera ready and he got up and saw the doctor take the baby out. I just heard Bryan tearfully say “Oh my God, he’s beautiful.” I immediately begin to cry and the doctor held him over the sheet so I could see him. Unfortunately I was pretty foggy and couldn’t focus but knew he was perfect. Bryan came back to me and we just looked at each other and cried. I still hadn’t heard him cry and I finally asked why he wasn’t crying yet. Just then he began to cry. I was later informed it was only seconds he didn’t cry but to me it felt like hours. Bryan also told me he looked like our dog Valentine, all wrinkly with a big head. Bryan went over to be with the baby as they closed me up. This was the hardest part, I wanted to see and be a part of everything they were doing and I couldn’t, I had to just lay there and try to listen amongst my haze. They finally weighed him in at 8 lbs and 15 oz and 21 inches long. Almost 9 lbs of pure heaven. I just couldn’t wait to hold him and see him up close, it was breaking my heart.

Recovery
We then got moved to the recovery room where Bryan got to hold him. They needed to put me back on Oxygen and I tried to hold him but I felt so uneasy and nauseas still I had to give him back to Bryan. They informed us because he was large for his gestational age they needed to do several blood sugar tests over the next few hours. Babies that are large, or even small often have trouble regulating their sugar and we were told this has nothing to do with diabetes. He was rooting around, clearly wanting to eat but I was told he couldn’t eat until they checked his sugar. And I wasn’t sure if I could physically handle it at that moment. It was saddening to see him want to nurse so badly and not be able to. We got to bring our parents in and finally reveal the name, Julian Ridley. After the Grandparents left we were alone again with our son. I kept asking when I would be able to eat and was repeatedly told I still could only have ice chips. Before I knew I’d have a C-section I had requested someone go out and get me McDonalds so I could scarf it down immediately after the birth. Unfortunately with the C-section I was limited to ice chips until the following day when I would get moved up to clear fluids. I was told I wouldn’t be able to have real food until dinner the next day. That was a bummer!

Finally the recovery nurse helped me try to nurse Julian. It didn’t come easy and we couldn’t get him to really latch on. At this point he was extremely tired so it was hard to keep him awake. I was pretty sad, I felt like I missed the best opportunity, immediately after birth when they are most alert. He then went off for his first bath and I was moved to my room. He was finally back in our room where he stayed with us the entire time and slept in my bed.

Mental Check
My labor and delivery were everything I didn’t want. Although the end result is the same, it can be tough to deal with at first. In the big picture, I didn’t care if they needed to rip my ears off to get him out but when you have 9-10 months to think about your delivery, you tend to play out your ideal situation in your head a million times. So when it turns out to be the complete opposite, it takes some time to accept that. One of my disappointments was that we didn’t get to film the birth. We were allowed to but everything happened so fast at that point. Bryan had the camera all ready for the vaginal birth. (We did get some before and after thoughts recorded though which is still priceless).

I cried and cried like I’ve never cried before the first 2 days we were home. I couldn’t explain why I was crying and I nor Bryan didn’t feel prepared for it to be that extreme. I knew of the “Baby Blues” but I was bawling almost non-stop and had no reason as to why. Hormonal shift, huge life adjustment, mourning the end of the pregnancy and a less than ideal birth are a few reasons to blame. The Baby Blues typically go away within a couple weeks (unless it does become PPD). For me it was really bad for 2 days then became much better. The entire time I was in the hospital I was fine even when the pain was pretty bad. It just hit me when I was released into the wild with a precious baby to care for on our own.


Adjusting to Home Life
We’re still trying to get into our routine but we’re doing pretty good. The dogs are very good around the baby, we still keep an eye on them. The cat is a little too obtrusive for my preference but hasn’t bothered the baby at all. Julian has been sleeping really well in the co-sleeper but he does sleep much better when he’s held during the day. I’m quickly learning to function with one arm. Once I’m all healed up I’m going to venture into the world of baby wearing and will probably be able to get a lot more done. Now that I’m physically feeling a little better I’d like to take him out for walks a bit more but it’s just so hot and humid out, it really isn’t a good idea. I’m still nervous to venture out. I can’t drive for 2 weeks which I’m OK with, I don’t feel brave enough to take him and I for a drive alone.

Today is my first day alone with him and it’s going rather smoothly. I was really nervous last night but feel really comfortable today. It’s still hard knowing you can’t take a break even if you wanted to.

There you have it
The story of how we got from there to holding our beautiful son. Looking back I wouldn’t change a thing and really look forward to each day ahead.

Thanks mom and dad!

I just wanted to thank you both for blessing me with super elastic skin. How else could I gain 60 pounds (59 to be exact but who's counting) and not have one single stretch mark and me making very little effort to prevent them with any kind of special creams and lotions. All about genetics baby, so thanks!

And now I leave you with the final obligatory belly shot at 39 weeks and 4 days. 11 hours before induction.

Dear Mr. X...

In preparation for our big day tomorrow, I thought I'd write a few words to our son as he gets ready to make his big transition from fetus to newborn.

Dear Son,

Well, can you believe the time has come? It's been quite a long journey but we made it through. Some weeks were definitely longer than others but each day was a blessing. There were days that were probably harder on me and there were days that were probably harder on you and because of these days there were probably many that were much harder on your Dad. Bless his heart and patience.

So on the eve of your birth (you do know you are coming out tomorrow right?! DO NOT DEVIATE FROM THIS PLAN!) I just wanted to take a few moments to welcome you to this world. You have a lot of people waiting to meet you! I'm not sure if anyone could possibly be looking forward to it more than your Dad and I. I can't wait to see you, to hold you, and to hear your first cry. I keep playing it over and over in my head, that will be the most beautiful sound your dad and I will ever hear. But don't make a habit of it :).

I also wanted to say now that we will love you unconditionally even though there may be times when it may not be that clear. The three of us will have so many fun times together but I'm sure we'll have our rough days as well. I am looking forward to all of the bad days as much as the good, because every day you are in our lives will be a blessing. So always remember that there is nothing you can do that would make us turn our backs on you. Our goals for you are simple, we want you to be safe, confident and most of all, happy.

Please know your Dad and I will be raising you as best as we can. Unfortunately for you being our first child, you have the luxury of experiencing all of our trial and errors. But we promise to do our best, however that turns out.

We love you with all our hearts and can't wait to meet the little man we've been imagining for so long.

Love always,
Mama

No need to update your calendars

I called the Dr. and to reschedule my induction for Wednesday, 7/13 and can't do it. My doctor was fine with it, they called the hospital to schedule it and the hospital is "booked" for Wednesday. And they are actually booked for the rest of the week. I don't want to wait until the FOLLOWING week so we're leaving it for 7/11. Apparently hospitals (or our hospital) only schedule so many inductions because of space limitations which is understandable. They need beds for c-sections and the people that come in naturally so I can't expect them to accommodate any wish I have. And even if I happened to have been able to think clearly yesterday and request Wednesday up front, they were probably booked by then anyway. I'm a little relieved because I hated the pressure of picking a date. The less options I have the less I feel I'm going to make a bad choice. Plus my doctor had a c-section scheduled for Wednesday already so since I'm going to be induced they would have no idea when I'd actually deliver and there could be a chance that he'd be in the middle of a c-section and not be able to deliver my baby. We can still run into this scenario but it's not like it's already a scheduled possibility.

My body still has 5 days to get itself together and go with no intervention. The only downfall with Monday is I couldn't spare the baby a lifetime of lame "we bought you at the 7-11" jokes from his father that Bryan already threatened with.

I was spotting last night which I'm assuming is a result of my exam, painful exam that is. Or maybe it's my "bloody show" but that supposedly is from your cervix dilating which mine probably isn't doing so I'm going with the fact he tried to use the jaws of life on my cervix yesterday. I also had 2 painful contractions. PAINFUL! They weren't super close together and I had many other contractions but I think I'd only consider 2 of them to be painful. I'm really hopeful for something to happen within the next 5 days.

I'm looking forward to revealing the name also. But I'm kind of afraid it's going to be a big let down because we've kept it a secret the entire time that people are probably going to expect something amazing. We obviously like it but there has been such a build up over it, I'm kind of nervous!

So guess its 5 days and counting. (Gulp)

OB appointment update - and the first example of my hypocritical parental behavior

Blood pressure - OK
Urine - OK
Weight - none of your business, quit asking me! ;)
Baby's Heart Rate - OK
Measurement - 41 1/2
Effaced - 80%
Dilated - 0 cm
Station - 0 (wooohooo, some droppage going on)

It's true I'm a hypocrite and no this won't be the first time you realize this. The Dr. was checking out my cervix and it was painful. I'm thinking what the heck are you doing in there as I wince in pain. He asked if I've ever had any kind of procedure done to my cervix like blah, blah, or freezing. And I said I did have the freezing thing done back in 1996 (crazy the things we forget) and he said that my cervix feels scarred and that's why it's not opening. He thinks I'd normally be about 2 cm dilated (not that he could ever say for sure but nice to hear that's what he thinks). Apparently because of my scaring it most likely won't dilate on its own and he'll have to go in and open it up. OUCH! And I guess that's what he was trying to do but unfortunately couldn't get his finger in there to do it.

So how am I a hypocrite? Well this was the appointment I was going to demand answers! I didn't think I would get any because it's really up to my body but it made me feel better to ask. Before I could go through my whole list he brought up inducing. He's concerned about the size of the baby and my lil ol pelvis (ha, have you seen my hips!). And he told me they would/could do something to help ripen the cervix which I guess would make it easier for him to cram his finger in there to rip it open. He said it wouldn't hurt as much as it did during my appointment today so that was reassuring and it sure as heck wouldn't hurt as much as a baby's head trying to force through it. We wanted to know how long he'd let me go before inducing and we were both surprised when he said "well by the end of next week you will have your baby." Oh..umm..what? You mean this baby will be on the outside...we'll have to actually take care of it? So it isn't gonna stay in there forever huh? There's no going back is there?

None of this came as a surprise but it's just crazy to actually be forced to face reality. And so naturally I wanted to know more like WHEN??? WHAT DAY??? He asked me what day I wanted and you know, I couldn't really think straight right then. I was still shocked and tightly clenching my legs from the thought of my cervix being forced open. I catatonically joked about Monday and he said that is good for him. I kind of snapped out of it for a second and tried to think clearly about this and questioned the end of the week. He really didn't want to wait until the end because of the whole size thing, if he's concerned about the size that makes me really concerned about the size. I'd hate to put it off and end up with a cesarean because the baby's big head won't fit. I still could always end up with a C-section which is fine but I'd rather minimize the chances.

I know what you are thinking "You said you would refuse to be induced before your due date." Yeah thanks for reminding me, I KNOW I SAID THIS (hypocritical point) but when you dangle a baby in front of my face, I'm gonna grab it. Or so I've learned. AND, it's really quite surreal when you are suddenly faced with the reality it's gonna happen...next week...regardless. I asked Bryan what his thoughts were and he was about as speechless as I was so we just kind of fumbled along and went with the flow. We were pretty numb at that point. So there you have it, my induction is scheduled for 6am Monday morning. Holy. Crap.

My baby will have a birth date of 7/11/05. Weeeeeeell, maybe. We went to dinner to kind of talk this whole thing out but we pretty much just stared off into space playing it over in our head. Bryan has his feelings but thinks the decision ultimately has to be up to me. I of course want to take his opinion into consideration but still know I have to do what I feel comfortable with. I am thinking of calling them back tomorrow to reschedule for 7/13 which is my actual due date. I want to sleep on it. What I'm really hoping for is for it to magically happen on it's own in the meantime which is still a possibility. I honestly don't know. You can't ask me what day I want to have my baby! I don't know! I just think about the sooner it is, the sooner I'll be holding my baby, we'll know what he looks like, we'll just finally get to experience everything we've been thinking about for 9 painfully long months. So yeah, Monday does sound better then Wednesday. But part of me is thinking in all fairness, I should at least wait until my due date to give it the true 40 weeks for it to happen on its own. I don't want to have to make this decision!!

I'm fine with the fact I'm going to be induced, I was kind of expecting it at this point anyway since I had to go ahead and grow a giant fetus. And although I still want to really try to give the non-pain medication thing a try, I've kind of resigned myself to the fact that if I'm induced and from what I hear, an epidural may become my best friend. I'm just gonna go in with an open mind and take it one contraction at a time.

And while I truly love each and every one of you, I'm not really looking for opinions. Support is always appreciated but nothing personal, this is something I have to decide on my own, along with my husband but feel free to show me some love!

So we'll keep everyone posted if there are any changes in the date but for now it's 7/11. Never know, tomorrow it could be back to 7/13.

Next time

First off, let me get this clear, that should read "IF there is a next time," We’re not completely sold yet. But I often wonder what I would do differently next pregnancy and I really don't think I would do much.

The top thing would be to worry less. I really don't feel I worried TOOOO much for which I'm proud but I would like to worry even less next time. There just is no point especially when pregnancy "rules" change from year to year and so much is out of your hands. In my opinion. It's funny because the last week or so I've probably worried the most and I think it's because I have nothing else to do. I am just feeling unmotivated with the pregnancy now...umm I'm a little over it at this point! So I worry that I'm going to suddenly mess it up but I haven't been doing anything differently than I've done thus far. It's just funny how I hear some pregnant women talking about it’s "such a blessing, blah blah blah" up til the day they deliver. Yeah it's great, yeah it's a blessing but I'm not one for sugar coating, it can be a pain so let's be real. And I don't even have any complaints, nothing is hurting me at the moment, nothing is bothering me, I'm just ready to MOVE ON!

Getting back on track. I would say I'd like to not gain so much weight next time but I happened to enjoy eating like a pig. And it's weird because before I was pregnant I actually ate quite healthy and splurged on special occasions (and still probably more than I should have). It wasn't a daily event like now. So I got a lot of enjoyment out of the last 38 weeks. 100 pounds of enjoyment (not quite there YET, I do have almost 2 more weeks!). The only thing I think I would change is completely out of my control, I do NOT want to have 24/7 morning sickness for 20 weeks. And that is a big reason why I gained most of my weight...what else will happen when you can only keep pizza and McDonald's down??? So maybe if I'm sick next time I'd try to find a couple other lower-fat and healthier alternatives that don't make me vomit. AND if I am not sick next time I'd like to keep exercising throughout the pregnancy. But being rendered practically bed ridden for the first 20 weeks, it kind of got me out of the whole "work out" thing. Yeah I was just pretty focused on dying or at least sleeping continuously for 5 months straight. Oh one big thing is I'd block out comments a little better. Everyone always has their opinions on what I should or shouldn't be doing or should or shouldn't be eating so I wish I could have let them roll off my back a little better instead of getting so frustrated. Not that I would listen to anyone who wasn't my doctor, I still let it get to me.

So do I feel like I've messed up throughout the pregnancy? Nope. Do I feel guilty for anything I've done? Nope. Do I worry I could have caused some unforeseen problem with my child or his development while I carried him by any possible yet unintentional negligence on my part? Nope. Whatever happens at this point was going to happen.

There you have it, I feel I was the best pregnant person I could have been and I'm darn proud. Now get him out of me!

Diamond in the rough

vs.

Bryan was so cute the other day, he had a present for me. So here is a picture of my new wedding band on the left and the too-tight original on the right. Yes, the new one is fake. Bryan would like me to point out the real one has the bigger diamonds because we all know that's what this world is about. It's just cute he's proud. But he gave it to me when we were out for lunch and the waitress probably thought she saw the worst proposal ever... Bryan setting the box on the table and me opening it saying "Oh cool, thanks!" and putting it on. She was like "oh, oh my!" so we had to explain to her the dealio so she didn't think we were totally lame.

It's funny I've heard so many people felt weird without their rings when pregnant. I don't know why I did. I just feel like strangers pre-judge and look down upon me enough, I didn't want them to have any other reason to. It was especially weird when I was WITH Bryan and he had his on, I felt like the mistress he got pregnant. If I saw a pregnant girl without a ring on, I would never give it a second thought and I really don't care if someone did think I was an unwed mother-to-be. I don't see anything wrong with that. I guess I don't have a good reason for feeling like something was missing but I'm not gonna lie, it did bother me! I really like my faux ring and would like to keep wearing it on my right hand later but I'm hoping my fingers will return to their normal size at some point.

This belly has to go, quick. It's getting injured more and more now. I have a big (read 1 inch) gash on it and not sure where that came from unless the baby is trying to claw his way out. And I just burnt my belly button stump on a pot as I tried to reach above the stove for something. Maybe that'll teach the belly button from popping out again, it has no place being on the outside!