Did you just see that? My eyes must be playing tricks on me because I swore I saw the first year of your life just fly right by. The thought of it makes my eyes well up with tears. I'm not sure if it's from mourning the end of your infancy or from my heart swelling with love and pride over the past 31, 556,926 most perfect seconds that you've been a part of our lives. I think it's a little bit of both.
I was having a hard time coming to terms with your first birthday. I felt like something was ending and I think I've realized that there is no end. As of 6:47pm on Monday July 11, 2005
you were a beginning and always will be. Every day with you is new, every day you grow and every day you create new memories. But these new memories don't push out the old. They mesh together in my mind to form the best days of my life. The best life. The ONLY life I could ever want. Some of the details may get fuzzy but the important things remain. I clearly remember every time you made me laugh or smile, the times you've made me worry or sung into my ear. The times you laid your head on my shoulder or smiled when I walked into the room. Every time I begged you to sleep or to stop crying. Everytime I had to stop myself from jumping out of a window or leaving you on the nearest doorstep. I remember it all and I never want to forget it because I'd give anything to relive every stinking moment.
Lately I've been in awe at the things you can do and that you know to do. It's the little things like when you eat and you get a piece of food on your cheek, you take it off and eat it. Before it would sit there for days until your Dad or I cleaned you up. Or when you just reach into a bag of food I brought for myself and you sit there eating something for the first time like you've been eating it your whole life.
Or when you stop at the dog food dishes we forgot to pick up and you shake your head to say "no" for us. My favorite is watching you stand so steadily, bend over to pick up a toy and stand back up without assistance. Although I think
your favorite thing to do is to feed
us. You will pick up a piece of your food and bring it to our mouths and laugh as we nibble on it while it's in your hands. Sometimes you like to fake us out and as we're about to take a bite you pull it back and put it into your mouth as you throw your headback with a gleeful laugh.
In just one year you grew hair, 7.5 teeth, learned how to use your arms, hands, eyes, legs, learned to walk -
sort of, talk - sort of, smile, laugh, eat food, play games yet you still haven't figured out how to sleep an entire night. Heck you haven't learned how to sleep for 4 hours straight. I can't figure that out because you are one busy baby. You must be tired, you HAVE to be tired. I'm tired.
You have endless energy now and you are still trying to master walking. You attempt it more and more but are still a crawler at heart. I love when you walk towards me with your arms outstretched and dive into my arms. If only you would stay there. Or when you are standing and you hold out your tiny hand so I'll hold it and we can walk together. If only you'd always want to hold my hand. You don't need me for much these days but you call out every now and then when you get stuck.
I think you've really been enjoying your first Summer awake. You've gone to the pool and the beach for the first time. You even have a little tan going on despite our efforts to cover you in sun block. You now
face forward in the car which doesn't make you like it any better. Now you and Daddy have a weekend morning Starbucks ritual of your own.
You climb, oh man do you climb. It's making me look bad when your Father comes home to find you sitting on the (closed) window sill.
For all the things you do, there are still a few you don't do. You don't talk much as you are still only able to say Mama, Dada and dog (dah) as well as a questionable fourth word that just might be a four letter word we rather you not say. Even those words are said few and far between. But you have really been rambling, discovering your voice and trying to put together all of the sounds into something we understand.
I'm afraid I am losing control over you. You can be stubborn and defiant. But you know what? I love it. I love your curiosity and no fear attitude. I don't want you to lose either, maybe just tame it a bit. I love your determination and how you question me. I love when you scold me in your own way telling me to lighten up and that it's not a big deal if you eat a piece of dog food. You need to learn these things on your own and I need to learn to let go. I need to let you keep the confidence you have and I need to always let you be you.
Cricket I knew you were a boy from the second we knew you were on the way. But I never would have guessed you'd be as handsome and perfect as you are. I had no idea that if the world crumbled around me but you were still sitting next to me, it wouldn't make a difference. I seriously cannot put into words the love I feel for you and the joy you bring us and how one look at you can make my heart burst into millions of pieces. I wish I could explain to you that I never feel worthy enough to be your Mama. How there is nothing in this world good enough for you, yes even me. I constantly wonder what I did to deserve the most amazing past year you've given us. I have a feeling the years ahead will be just as good as the last but I will always miss the little boy who slept in the nook of my arm or laid on my chest. Thank you for being our little boy. Now I need to go kiss the dimples on the backs of your hands before they are gone.
I guess I was wrong, I haven't come to terms with your first year being completely over. But don't stop growing up for me. I'll catch up, eventually.
