I hate to say it

I hate to even utter these words but I think...Julian is colicky. It pains me to admit. He's been having regular bouts of evening fussiness for several weeks now but it seems to be extending into the day AND throughout the night. No more easy sleeping. I just never thought he was colicky because when I think of colic, I think of inconsolable crying or wailing. He is consolable *most times* although we have to change up our method of doing so every 30 seconds (which is extremely exhausting) and he rarely gets that worked up that it turns into a full-blown screaming. But the night time is rough. After he nurses he'll cry and moan. I end up having to lay with him on my stomach and pat his back until we both eventually fall asleep. Before it was eat then right back to sleep. Now it can go on for an hour or more. I'm so.very.tired. And even during the day we have these bouts. Even the magic sling is losing it's effectiveness.

And believe me, we've been looking into possible medical causes, just like every other parent of a colicky baby, since there are so many theories and myths behind the cause of colic. Yes it could be gas, yes it could be acid-reflux, yes it could be something in my diet, yes it could be that I have an overabundance of breast milk causing him an oversupply and yes it could be nothing at all but a phase. We are looking into EVERYTHING but unfortunately every explanation sounds reasonable and there is no real "test" to confirm any of it.

We did have a bloody stool episode (one diaper and very little blood) that greatly indicates a dairy allergy which would easily cause fussiness. This means NO DAIRY FOR ME in order to find out. You know how hard that is?? You should see the list of things that have dairy, things you'd never think had it, do! And most times there is a dairy allergy there will also be a reaction to Soy so it isn't a matter of me switching to soy. Nope..if I want ice cream I have to eat "Rice Dream." Follow me? But anything to see if it helps him. And a dairy allergy is very different from lactose intolerance so I can't even do the Lactaid. But it doesn't mean he'd be allergic to dairy for the rest of his life either.

The only problem is that it won't be out of his system for up to 3 weeks. It's not like we can try it for a couple days to see if it helps. We can try this for a month before realizing it's not the cause. Yes switching to formula would be easier...for me. If this is the problem then he'd still react the same to formula and then he'd be missing out on all the other wonderful benefits breast milk provides. All the millions of anti-bodies that help him from getting sick along with tons of other health benefits to him and I. If he has to deal with this then I'll deal with it right along with him.

So really I'm thinking there are 2 issues, 1. a dairy reaction and 2. Normal newborn Colic/fussiness. But let's hope we figure it out and manage it very soon for our sake, and more importantly, for his.

Funny how they change

After looking at the pictures below, I see a lot more of me in him now when last week he was Bryan's mini-twini. Plus I've been hearing more and more he looks like me. He has the Assalita eyebrow shape, which I clearly remember prior to plucking mine into a permanent arch although the coloring is way lighter than mine ever were. And the eyes, the actual shape of them I believe are mine. The cheeks and area under the eyes is Bryan if that makes any sense. Bryan says the mouth is mine but when he cries or gives a big happy grin it looks like one of Bryan's from his baby pictures. I guess it's mine in it's resting state. And I'm afraid his left ear is beginning to stick out which would unfortunately be another one of my contributions. Hopefully he'll either grow into it or his right one will stick out to match. He does have Bryan's furrowed brow/scowl and I think the nose and chin.

I know his features will change again, one day favor Bryan more the next me. But it's good to know he'll always be perfect and the most handsome. This boy has some good genes!

Never have enough Julian

The infamous balding

See how much he loves being in a stroller

Is it weird that I dress us alike?

Hey, that's not mine!

I gave Julian his first bottle yesterday of expressed breast-milk. I almost cried. Bryan actually tried to give him one last week and he refused. Everything I read said someone other than the mother should do it, blah blah but it didn't work. So yesterday I was pumping for a bottle so Bryan could give it another try but then he was looking very hungry and Bryan wasn't home yet. I decided to do it. I thought maybe I should be the one to give it to him at first. Maybe he realizes I am his food source so anything I'm giving him would be OK. I still took my boobs out and held him against my chest for ambiance. He was a little slow at taking it at first but he did willingly finish it off. I didn't have a chance to pump much before he needed to eat and he still looked very hungry once the bottle was gone so I let him finish off the old-fashioned way. I also gave him a heart to heart explaining we will be giving him 1 bottle a day and there may be times when he has to have more bottles but he needs to remember that my nipples are far superior than the silicone version.

But since his latch still isn't the best I was hesitant on giving him a bottle. But really we're not making any progress on the latching so it is what it is and we're getting by. And I could use a little break and well frankly, I just wanted him to learn to eat from a bottle now. “Break” is quite an overstatement though because during my “break” I have to pump, clean each tiny part of the pump, prepare the bottle, try and fold those clothes that have been sitting there. You get the point. But when we tried the bottle last week, it broke my heart. I couldn't even tell you why because mentally I was ready for him to get one and I don't think him having a bottle is "bad." I wasn't weaning him, I wasn't giving him formula, it was still my stuff and he was still going to be breast-fed 99% of the time so I couldn't figure out what was so bothersome. I figured out it's because it's not natural for him to be eating from a bottle. It goes against some biological thing running through my body. It wasn't so much my mind having issues with it, it was my body, my primitive instincts. It was very surprising but almost fascinating we're designed that way. After all, we're not much different from wild animal moms. I'd still react just like a mama bear if someone we're to attempt to harm my son. I still wouldn't hesitate to tear you apart like a mama lion if you tried to hurt him.

That's actually been my parenting style thus far, pure instincts. It can make me feel a little alone in the world of child raising. I do find myself hesitant to tell people our choices which is surprising for me. I'm normally all up in your face with MY views but this is different. I follow my gut, what my first reaction is, I usually go with it. I will worry about changes that have to be made when we get to them and to quote a friend ""do what works for now & cross any problematic bridges later IF they even occur". But like I said, it can get lonely in this world. I'm way more AP than I thought I'd be. Not that I'm trying to label it but it ended up I naturally parent the AP way. And it's true, a lot of people don't so I feel abnormal. I don't feel I can really talk "parenting" because my views are pretty different and I guess I'm scared for their reaction or scared they will feel insulted if they do it differently (which I am NOT implying). And honestly, this isn't a competition, it's just people doing what they feel is best for their child. Now I know why there are support groups for everything under the sun, AP support, BabyWearing support, CO-sleeping support, Breastfeeding support, etc, etc. People need to feel they aren't totally crazy and alone. So here it is, I'm AP. I breast-feed and have no desire to stop, I co-sleep (in our bed!) and don't have a desire to transition him out, I wear my baby every chance I get, I feel uncomfortable using "tools" so I use my swing less and less, don't use a pacifier and feel weird using a stroller although at times it is more practical. I respond immediately to his cries, and usually it's way before he cries, I know when he's uncomfortable and a cry will come. I don't feel the need to wait for him to cry if I can sense he's unhappy and won't be able to self-soothe.

Of course I'm scared I'm doing more harm than good, no matter what parenting method I choose, I'd be just as scared and doubtful. None of us know how our kids will turn out or what one little thing can permanently scar them or land them in therapy years from now. We don't know what we're doing will make them more co-dependent or independent. Will it be independent in a good way or too independent they will lack the desire for any human closeness? I'm aiming for inter-dependent but who knows if I'll acheive it. Right now Julian can't verbally tell me what he wants so I use his body language and "cues". Does he look content and secure? As I look down at him snuggled closely to me alseep in the sling, with his hands clasped together I'm gonna say yes. If I put him in his crib right now, I wouldn't see this same peace in him.

None of this is some passive-agressive way of saying if you don't believe the same thing then I think you suck as a parent. It doesn't mean that at all. I have a couple friends that are AP, some that are pretty polar-AP and some right in between. I believe each one of us follows our hearts (hopefully) and are truely doing what we feel is best for our family and that's all any of us can do. Right? Right. And pray our children end up the happy, positive and confident adults we want them to be and that they'll even like us when they are teenagers.

He's a Traveling Man

My Aunt brought my Grandmother down this weekend to meet Julian. It was a lot of fun and great to see my Aunt and Grandma. I think we have some good pictures I hope to post soon.

Julian and I had our first “trip” yesterday. I was very nervous about it especially since it was sans Bryan. My sister was also in town visiting from Florida and she was driving up to see my other Grandparents for the day and I felt that was a good opportunity to tag along. But as you know, Julian has a 20 minute time limit in the car, but we survived yesterday. It was very tiring though. Somehow the 2.5 hour drive there turned into almost 4 hours. My sister drove while I rode in the back with Julian.

Fortunately Julian held strong and with some entertaining and effort on my part, slept most of the time. The last 20 minutes we're pretty rough so my sister started flying on back roads, meanwhile I'm trying to keep him calm and not throw up at the same time. We get there and my Grandparents we're so happy to see him. So it was worth it. He was pretty "rutchy" most of the day as my mom would say, not sure if that's a real word but it's a good description. Oddly I know what she means by it. It was exhausting. I think the car ride plus being out of his element and me without all of my tools to soothe made it a little more work than normal. I had my sling which he would have been fine in the whole day but they actually wanted to see and visit with him so I didn't want him cocooned up the whole time. So I kept him in there for just a little bit and they were so impressed with how calm it made him. I CAN NOT LIVE WITHOUT MY SLING. He loves it, I love it, and everyone we're around loves it. We did have a lovely time none the less. It was good seeing my Grandparents.

The ride home he slept from the moment we got in until 10 minutes to my moms. And yes, this time the 2.5 hour ride actually took 2.5 hours. But man, those last 10 minutes we're hard core! He was fed up, I don't blame him, it was such a long day for a 6 week old. He doesn't use a pacifier so the last couple minutes I got him to suck on my finger and we managed to make it to my mom's before he exploded again. I knew he was starving.

He and I FINALLY made it back to our own house. He was just tired and hard to soothe by that point. I felt bad for Bryan who hadn't seen him in so long and he finally does and he's beyond rutchy. But Julian and I hopped in the bath together and soaked our stress away. He loves his bath time. Now it’ll just take me a month to recover and I have no desire to hop in the car anytime soon. I’m not even looking forward to driving the 25 minutes to my 6 week follow up appointment today. That’s why we like the city, cars are optional!

Best Buds

We just got back from lunch with a couple of good friends, one of which recently had a baby boy as well. As a matter of fact he was born less than 24 hours after Julian. I must say they hit it off pretty well, cooing and sleeping all over the place.

Hmmmm, can you tell who weighs more! And look how serious J is!

Milestone: Lift head at 45 degree angle. CHECK


The Schrock men


The Schrock receeding hairline :)


The many emotions of Julian

Ladies and Gents, we have a smile

It's true! A full-fledge, albeit very fleeting, smile from the lil' man. I've seen plenty of the smiles while he was off in dream land but this time we were playing with banana man when we got an alert little smirk. Bryan and I both looked at each other and both said "was that a smile??" We haven't seen it since but damn if it wasn't one! It actually happened 2 days ago but we've been so busy celebrating I haven't had a chance to post about it.

J is going through a rough little patch, mainly every evening from 6-10 pm with some stretches in the day. I hated to call him "fussy" because I never felt like he was fussy, I felt like he needed something and he knew what it was but we couldn't figure it out. It led to some stressful moments none the less and 2 parents feeling very helpless. It was getting to the point where I was afraid to venture out of the house with him incase we had an episode because I have yet to figure out how to soothe him when it happens. And strangers can be so helpful, we had a breakdown in Target when a stranger said "He doesn't sound happy" but she didn't say it in a way that was helpful or cute, it was said in a kind of a mean tone like I'm either the cause or not attempting to alleviate it. Neither were the case. Thanks mean stranger.

I was wondering when you know if your kid is "one of those." You know the ones you can't take to a restaurant, or travel with or anything like that. Supposedly I was a terror when I was a baby, my dad spent most dinners out with me in the car. But one thing I thought soothed most babies were car rides. But Julian had about a 20 minute max in a car before he was clearly ready to get out. We'd like to visit some out of state relatives but I am not going to do it anytime soon if he'd be screaming the whole time. It's not just frustrating but heartbreaking. But last night we were able to calm him, at first we thought it was the base in the music playing but then we realized he liked having the windows down. If we came to a stop he'd pick right back up but once we got the wind going again he was a content little pea. Hopefully it wasn't a fluke and we're actually on to something. I'm still not ready to attempt a 2+ hour car ride though!

We picked up a book yesterday by Dr. Sears called The Fussy Baby, how to soothe the "high-need" baby or something like that and we tried a few of the tricks and either it was coincidence or they seemed to help last night. One thing I liked about the book (I didn't get far yet) was that it was pointing out how the baby isn't "demanding" or "fussy" or "stubborn" or all these other terms people like to put on a baby who's trying to express themselves. I hate that and I was guilty of it myself by even calling him fussy. He's obviously trying to tell us something and just can't. It doesn't make him all those bad things. And to clarify, he isn't a nightmare. It's just a little whining but he's not colicky, he's not totally unsoothable so I didn't even feel he'd qualify for the "fussy high-need" book, he's not extreme by any means. But the book was pointing out some changes we need to make with our parenting but more importantly just helped with understanding him a little better which in turn will help us meet his needs better. I think we'll get through this, not that I thought it was a perment situation anyway.

We took him to a friends baby shower yesterday and he was a little angel in the sling. He had his moments but very brief and now that I think about it, he wasn't in the sling at those times. Oh my god, you know what we did? Our friend's shower was at her mom's where we've never been before. Well the directions said to look for the pink balloons. We're just about there when we see pink balloons. We saw a Yukon in the driveway, Wendy's car, and a Pathfinder, our other friends car, so we walked up to the door and knocked. No answer but we could hear a bunch of people. So we walk in and there is a group of people in the kitchen (mainly teens in their bathing suits) and we're like "Hi!!" and they responded. Then there was an akward moment and I said all cheery "we're in the right place right?"
Them: "I uh think so"
Me: "W-W-Wendy's right?"
Them: "There is no Wendy here."
Oh.My.God. We just walked into some random person's house when we wanted the next house up, ALSO having a party, ALSO with balloons, ALSO with a Yukon. Bryan and I felt like such idiots. Thankfully J is too young to be embarrased of his stupid folks.

I also wanted to congratulate our friends Lisa and Jeff in Tinley Park who just had their first baby yesterday. A healthy girl named Emma, after Lisa's Great-Grandmother who is now a Great-Great-Grandmother, how many of those do you know?? I'm still waiting for pictures and more details.

Julian Ridley: Month 1

Happy 1 month birthday Julian! So what do you think? Is this place all you expected it to be? Are WE everything you expected us to be?? I still can’t believe an entire month has gone by and we haven’t broken you yet.

This month has tested us in ways I couldn’t have imagined. I have never experienced so much physical discomfort from sore nipples to boob rashes to healing incisions to maxi-pad chaffing to baby related back pain. I never thought I could go so long without a shower or wearing the same 3 outfits over and over. Wearing earrings means “I’m dressed up.” I hardly have time to go to the bathroom or eat a full meal, especially without scarfing it down. A good night sleep is a distant memory along with spare time to read a magazine. I’ve neglected my husband, my dogs, my family and friends. I’ve also neglected myself. I have a body I no longer recognize with my flabby, saggy stomach, plus uncombed hair and no makeup. I look like I’ve aged a good 10 years. I’ve never been so full of self-doubt. I’ve never questioned my every choice and every move as much as I have the last month. I’ve never before worried so endlessly or felt so helpless. I haven’t experienced such an emotional roller coaster. I’ve never been so worn out.

Despite all of the above, I’ve never woke up as happy as I do each day now. Before now, I’ve never been able to kiss the little dimples on the back of your hands while you nurse. I didn’t know what it was like to hold your tiny foot in the palm of my hand. And when I heard your first, very faint, pitiful whimper when they pricked your heel in the hospital I instantly knew what it was like to be willing to kill or die to protect you. I never knew what it was like to see a miniature version of your father or throw your hand up over your head while you sleep just like him. I didn’t know how cute it was to have dark fur on your ears or to be able to pinch the backs of your thighs. I never knew what it was like to have your baby look up at you with his furrowed brow as I dressed him as if he was thinking “You have no clue what you are doing still, do you?” I never have been able to see you grow so much so quickly, to see you hold your head up briefly and look all around taking in your new environment. Or to watch your arm movements become more fluid and deliberate. I now get to watch you clasp your hands together, stick your butt and chin out and head back as you stretch. I see you make the best poop face ever where you pucker your lips and flare your nostrils which greatly resembles the face I make when I dance. (I always thought it was sexy when I did it but according to your father it looks more like Mick Jagger.) I never knew you would enjoy bath time so much. I didn’t know you would be so patient with me.

But most importantly, I never knew what it was like to love so much it’s painful and to really feel complete. To have OUR little son, OUR little family. I never knew how wonderful, despite the daily trials, it would be to watch our perfect little boy be just that…perfect.
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Baby Wellness

Well there is no question that my boobs are working. He weighed in at a whopping 11lbs - 15 oz. That is a 2lb - 13oz gain within the last 3 weeks (exactly 3 pounds over his birth weight in a month). They joked that I must be taking steroids and/or someone was leaning on the scale. The doctor seemed extremely pleased with it though, he was really impressed. I think they said they typically would have gained an ounce a day, about 1 1/2 pounds in this time frame. And I was told that formula fed babies generally gain more weight, I couldn't imagine his weight on formula. Needless to say he is in the 95% for weight. I'm actually still having latching issues on one side and he hasn't been eating well from it. Since he's gaining weight so rapidly, I'm scared to correct it and increase his intake! Alas, deliberatly witholding food from your child may warrant a call to the ol' social services. They don't typically measure them at 1 month but Bryan measured him at 23 inches the other day, up from 21 3/4 inches. Not sure how accurate that is.

The doctor was really happy with his progress, mentally and physically. These appointments really ease my mind. I get to go over my list of silly questions that have probably been asked by every new mother (Is it normal for his chin to quiver when he eats? Is his abdomen too large for his body? Does his belly button look ok? You get the point). His next appointment will be at 2 months and unfortunately it's for vaccinations and I have to go alone!!! They didn't have any evening appointments available so I'm going to be the bad guy and probably end up crying more than Julian!

Busy Boy

Julian is a very busy guy these days! He got to meet our friend Rita last Wednesday and spent the day with our friend Kelli on Thursday hanging out at the childrens section of Barnes & Noble. He had a big trip to the mall on Saturday mixed in with a bunch of errands then brunch with the girls on Sunday before heading to Grandma A's where he hung out with his Aunt and cousins visiting from CT. We like to keep him busy otherwise he has too much time to think of reasons to fuss!

Today seems to be particular upsetting for him so needless to say, I'm beat and thankful for Papa's shift at the moment. Bryan is great at coming up with little songs to ease his mind. Although sometimes the only thing that calms him is some kind of pacifier and since he won't actually accept a real pacifier, that leaves well...the only other pacifiers he knows and loves which happen to be attached to my body and that's when I get really exhausted because there is just no break then! Would we change it though? No way, he still rocks. He's just insanely cute, it's impossible to get frustrated with him. He's definitely the spitting image of Bryan these days. And right now he seems to be feeling just fine in Papa's comfy lap and the cozy swaddle Bryan did.

Other news:

It's been decided that I will be a FULL-time stay at home mama. Bryan worked really hard to make this happen so we feel very fortunate and we're looking forward to it. I'm not looking forward to telling my boss but I am looking forward to being home with Julian every day and our lunch dates with Papa during the week.

He has a doctor appointment this Wednesday. I'm curious to know how much he weighs, he's really "filled out" the last week or so and I swear grew 5 inches. He looks so mature already! Speaking of which he is 4 weeks old today although we won't officially celebrate his 1 month birthday until 8/11/05.

Enough about that, it's time for some pictures! Despite the latest development of baby acne, he's still the cutest baby around!



For more of his photos click here. And for your convenience the link to his photos has been added on the right hand side over there -----> under "Julian Links" but I'm sure you already have the link bookmarked, right?? RIGHT.

I have my hands full

So the little man is keeping me busy. Too busy to post about our great adventures of sitting on the couch, sponge baths and diaper changes. I wanted to keep adding photos and updates which I still plan on doing but usually by the time I get the photos uploaded to the PC, it's time for the boy's 100th meal of the day. I don't have much of a chance to add the photos here.

Since you would be really devastated and missing out on the most wonderful thing in the world, I give you this link to some of our favorite photos. This is your chance to see why he's been dubbed not only the cutest, but most stylish baby around. (Seriously, always getting asked where we find his clothes). I still plan to highlight some here but until we go down from 75 diapers a day to maybe 30, spare time is limited! We did manage to meet Grandma A. for lunch today and have some play dates scheduled for the rest of the week. It's not ALL spit up and poop (and he doesn't even really spit up anyway...yeah for breastmilk!)

So bookmark the link above and check it occasionally for new photos. And now I'm off to get my "weekly" shower in while dad and son bond.