Deep breaths
The last couple nights and especially yesterday were awful days. Julian was not doing well. He was in so much pain again and was waking every hour because of it. It started late Tuesday and it got progressively worse yesterday. Today was much better. The night was still awful and we got no sleep but he seemed to get better throughout the day. I'm hoping yesterday was a crazy fluke. It was awful, it took me back right to the beginning of this stuff when it started in August. His poop is still bad and he's had consistent blood again but the pain is what I can't stand to watch. I called his GI yesterday to ask her about the pain and she told me it's normal for allergic colitis. Which I knew it was I was just trying to explain this is how he was in the beginning but it completely went away with dietary changes. I didn't understand why it would suddenly come back. She didn't seem concerned. Oh they never are.
I told the GI his stools are still watery and mucousy and she again told me she's fine with the mucous and blood during the healing but if he is still having watery stools in 2 weeks then she wants to do a scope because it could lead to malabsorption issues. I wasn't sure what kind of scope but concluded it's probably a flexible sigmoidoscopy since she said it would be quick and he'd be awake for it. Still scares the watery poop out of me. Otherwise my follow up is the end of December. Looking back I am mad that I didn't pursue his initial green stools more. I questioned them but was repeatedly told by our ped and others that green is normal. It can be but I knew his weren't. I knew something wasn't right. I questioned myself and assumed it was first-time mom paranoia. Even his moaning during the daytime he used to do. It's all so clear to me now. It always is isn't it? I just feel like if I trusted my instincts then, we'd never be this far gone.
Our pediatrician called to check in on Julian today and I thought that was nice. I mainly just complained about the allergist, I had to voice my complaints to someone! He validated my concerns and actually said he wasn't happy with the report he was given from him. And it took the allergist forever to follow up with our ped when he requested more info. I also asked him his thoughts on putting Julian's next vaccines on hold since they are in 2 weeks. He is fine with it for a little while. My concern is I don't want to do anything more to his system than I have to. And with him having such freaky symptoms already I was afraid I wouldn't see signs if he was having a reaction to the vaccine. Not to mention if he did get a high fever from it or pain, he wouldn't be able to take the infant tylenol because of the corn syrup. An allergy-free supository was recommended to me which is good to know incase we need it but the last thing I want to do to him is make his bum anymore uncomfortable.
I just still can't believe it's come to this. I've never dreamed I'd be eating this little. Ever. I remember thinking my life was over when I had to eliminate dairy. Now if I only had to eliminate one food group I'd be in heaven. But dairy is probaby the 1 food group I really want back! I can deal with out meat, nuts and eggs and probably even corn, but I want some dairy. I would take dairy over soy any day.
I was so exhausted after 2 sleepless nights in a row and no calories to keep me going. Sometime this morning I handed Julian to Bryan and said "can you take him for a while?" I wasn't sure what he'd do and I knew he had to get ready for work but he took him and played with him and managed to get ready. And by the time he had to leave for work, Julian was ready for his first morning nap. So it was like I got to sleep until 10am. Just having that hour break in the morning did wonders. I wasn't planning on going to yoga because I thought he would be having a bad day and thought I'd be too tired. But after my great sleep from 6am-10 and since Julian didn't seem that bad, I decided to go because if I didn't I would mope around the house. I'm so glad I went. And after I wanted to treat myself to something and I GOT MY CAR WASHED inside and out. I've been wanting to do this since January! I never thought a car wash would make me feel like a new person. I've tried to go shopping to cheer myself up but I don't know how to shop for myself anymore. Is that possible?? But I want to buy skirts and heels and then I realize my life has no purpose outside of sweats and slippers. Where would I wear a skirt? And heels?? If it was at least Summer I would wear skirts and flip-flops.
After I got home and had my lunch, Julian was ready for his 100th nap of the day. He only cat naps now much to my dismay, kinda like our nights! I normally don't nap with him in the afternoon anymore because they are usually 30 minutes at the most. And after a 30 minute nap I'm worse off. Forget a power nap. But I needed sleep today, any sleep at all. Imagine how happy I was when I woke up at 5pm!! And Julian slept until 5:45... a 2 1/2 hour nap! A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. This doesn't happen around here. Yeah I'll be up all night now from napping so late but I feel good now! Heck I even put the laundry away that's been laying around for 2 weeks. Julian had to go to bed an hour later but so far so good. I always get ahead of myself but could a long nap indicate....more progress? Could it? Probably not but any false hope to help me make it through until tomorrow will do.
Speaking of sleeping, the other night we made the painful decision to transition Julian back into his co-sleeper instead of our bed. Yes it is only 3 inches away from me but it's still not the same as being tummy to tummy with him, feeling his little baby breath on my face, feeling his little hand reach out in the middle the night to make sure we're still there. This was a tough choice.
The only reason we decided to do this was because he wasn't sleeping that well and I don't sleep well. I thought my tossing and turning could be keeping him awake, not to mention when I can't sleep I caress him and kiss him constantly. I figured it might be better for him if he wasn't right next to me. I assumed this would be a slow and trying process since he was one to love sleeping next to me or on my chest and at times HAD to sleep on my chest. Plus of all the endless warnings of how hard it is to get them out of your bed. Imagine my surprise when I laid him in his co-sleeper the first night and he went right to sleep. He couldn't care less! What the heck Julian, I thought we had some kind of bond here! I mean it wasn't like he never slept alone anyway, I would put him to bed in our bed for a few hours before we'd come up. So I know he was capable of sleeping by himself but I thought he'd STILL want us to curl up next to him when we came to bed. Nope. I even thought that once he woke up for his first feeding he wouldn't want to go back into the co-sleeper. Fooled me, again he went right back to sleep.
Wow, what a tough transition this was. Looks like I'm the only one having a hard time with it. Bryan asked the other night when we'd move him to his crib and I snapped "NEVER!" Fortunately Bryan said he doesn't want him out of our room either. Good thing since he doesn't have a choice. But I'm sure if we did Julian would sleep just as well in his nursery as he does with us.
The worst part about this is neither of us are sleeping any better. But since he's content in there I might as well let it be. So now when I'm lying there awake I look over the edge into the co-sleeper. I stare at him waiting for any kind of stir hoping he won't be able to settle himself back down. But he usually can (except for the last couple painful nights). They grow up so fast don't they, next thing you know they don't need us anymore!
I told the GI his stools are still watery and mucousy and she again told me she's fine with the mucous and blood during the healing but if he is still having watery stools in 2 weeks then she wants to do a scope because it could lead to malabsorption issues. I wasn't sure what kind of scope but concluded it's probably a flexible sigmoidoscopy since she said it would be quick and he'd be awake for it. Still scares the watery poop out of me. Otherwise my follow up is the end of December. Looking back I am mad that I didn't pursue his initial green stools more. I questioned them but was repeatedly told by our ped and others that green is normal. It can be but I knew his weren't. I knew something wasn't right. I questioned myself and assumed it was first-time mom paranoia. Even his moaning during the daytime he used to do. It's all so clear to me now. It always is isn't it? I just feel like if I trusted my instincts then, we'd never be this far gone.
Our pediatrician called to check in on Julian today and I thought that was nice. I mainly just complained about the allergist, I had to voice my complaints to someone! He validated my concerns and actually said he wasn't happy with the report he was given from him. And it took the allergist forever to follow up with our ped when he requested more info. I also asked him his thoughts on putting Julian's next vaccines on hold since they are in 2 weeks. He is fine with it for a little while. My concern is I don't want to do anything more to his system than I have to. And with him having such freaky symptoms already I was afraid I wouldn't see signs if he was having a reaction to the vaccine. Not to mention if he did get a high fever from it or pain, he wouldn't be able to take the infant tylenol because of the corn syrup. An allergy-free supository was recommended to me which is good to know incase we need it but the last thing I want to do to him is make his bum anymore uncomfortable.
I just still can't believe it's come to this. I've never dreamed I'd be eating this little. Ever. I remember thinking my life was over when I had to eliminate dairy. Now if I only had to eliminate one food group I'd be in heaven. But dairy is probaby the 1 food group I really want back! I can deal with out meat, nuts and eggs and probably even corn, but I want some dairy. I would take dairy over soy any day.
I was so exhausted after 2 sleepless nights in a row and no calories to keep me going. Sometime this morning I handed Julian to Bryan and said "can you take him for a while?" I wasn't sure what he'd do and I knew he had to get ready for work but he took him and played with him and managed to get ready. And by the time he had to leave for work, Julian was ready for his first morning nap. So it was like I got to sleep until 10am. Just having that hour break in the morning did wonders. I wasn't planning on going to yoga because I thought he would be having a bad day and thought I'd be too tired. But after my great sleep from 6am-10 and since Julian didn't seem that bad, I decided to go because if I didn't I would mope around the house. I'm so glad I went. And after I wanted to treat myself to something and I GOT MY CAR WASHED inside and out. I've been wanting to do this since January! I never thought a car wash would make me feel like a new person. I've tried to go shopping to cheer myself up but I don't know how to shop for myself anymore. Is that possible?? But I want to buy skirts and heels and then I realize my life has no purpose outside of sweats and slippers. Where would I wear a skirt? And heels?? If it was at least Summer I would wear skirts and flip-flops.
After I got home and had my lunch, Julian was ready for his 100th nap of the day. He only cat naps now much to my dismay, kinda like our nights! I normally don't nap with him in the afternoon anymore because they are usually 30 minutes at the most. And after a 30 minute nap I'm worse off. Forget a power nap. But I needed sleep today, any sleep at all. Imagine how happy I was when I woke up at 5pm!! And Julian slept until 5:45... a 2 1/2 hour nap! A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. This doesn't happen around here. Yeah I'll be up all night now from napping so late but I feel good now! Heck I even put the laundry away that's been laying around for 2 weeks. Julian had to go to bed an hour later but so far so good. I always get ahead of myself but could a long nap indicate....more progress? Could it? Probably not but any false hope to help me make it through until tomorrow will do.
Speaking of sleeping, the other night we made the painful decision to transition Julian back into his co-sleeper instead of our bed. Yes it is only 3 inches away from me but it's still not the same as being tummy to tummy with him, feeling his little baby breath on my face, feeling his little hand reach out in the middle the night to make sure we're still there. This was a tough choice.
The only reason we decided to do this was because he wasn't sleeping that well and I don't sleep well. I thought my tossing and turning could be keeping him awake, not to mention when I can't sleep I caress him and kiss him constantly. I figured it might be better for him if he wasn't right next to me. I assumed this would be a slow and trying process since he was one to love sleeping next to me or on my chest and at times HAD to sleep on my chest. Plus of all the endless warnings of how hard it is to get them out of your bed. Imagine my surprise when I laid him in his co-sleeper the first night and he went right to sleep. He couldn't care less! What the heck Julian, I thought we had some kind of bond here! I mean it wasn't like he never slept alone anyway, I would put him to bed in our bed for a few hours before we'd come up. So I know he was capable of sleeping by himself but I thought he'd STILL want us to curl up next to him when we came to bed. Nope. I even thought that once he woke up for his first feeding he wouldn't want to go back into the co-sleeper. Fooled me, again he went right back to sleep.
Wow, what a tough transition this was. Looks like I'm the only one having a hard time with it. Bryan asked the other night when we'd move him to his crib and I snapped "NEVER!" Fortunately Bryan said he doesn't want him out of our room either. Good thing since he doesn't have a choice. But I'm sure if we did Julian would sleep just as well in his nursery as he does with us.
The worst part about this is neither of us are sleeping any better. But since he's content in there I might as well let it be. So now when I'm lying there awake I look over the edge into the co-sleeper. I stare at him waiting for any kind of stir hoping he won't be able to settle himself back down. But he usually can (except for the last couple painful nights). They grow up so fast don't they, next thing you know they don't need us anymore!
posted by Julian at 9:58 PM
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